How to Prevent a Coup
by EvilFuzzy9
Summary: Over the years, many have postulated on the underlying causes of the Uchiha Massacre and the planned coup that necessitated it. Many have also proposed ways that it could have been prevented. But nobody could have predicted that THIS would have worked.
1. Step One

**How to Prevent a Coup**

A _Naruto_ Crackfic

by

EvilFuzzy9

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><p><strong>AN: Saving the world through kinky sex parties – because Minato is the Pimp King and Kushina his MILF Queen. Also because I am a goddamn incorrigible pervert and this idea came into my head while the intartubes were down at my place, keepin' me from uploading the next chapter of **_**Om Nom Nom, Hamster-chan!**_**.**

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><p><strong>Step One<strong>

Over the years, many have postulated on the underlying causes of the Uchiha Massacre and the planned coup that necessitated it. Many have also proposed ways that it could have been prevented. But the one solution _no one_ has ever suggested was also the one that would have worked the best.

Minato Namikaze, Yellow Flash of the Hidden Leaf and favored candidate for Fourth Hokage, stared at the piece of paper in his hands. It was not parchment; nor was it standard printing paper. Nay, it was paper like would be used in a greeting card. But this was no _Hallmark_ card.

For one thing, the illustration on the front was in the style of _ukiyo-e_, and in particular it was reminiscent of some of the more... inappropriate... wood block carvings Hashirama Senju had made in his free time during his tenure as First Hokage (it was a little-known fact that while his brother Tobirama had been a peerless womanizer who had fathered bastards all over the globe, Hashirama had been a connoisseur of erotica and had used his _mokuton_ to revolutionize the industry of wood-print pornography). For another thing, the card was addressed to the Uchiha clan-head and his wife.

Minato sweat-dropped. "Erm, Kushina... honey... are you _really _sure that inviting Fugaku and Mikoto to a swinger's party is such a good idea...?"

"Of course!" the redhead jinchuuriki declared confidently. "We might not actually be married yet, but we should still get to know the other couples in the village."

"... by having sex with them...?"

"That's how they did it in Whirlpool."

Blink. "Uhhh... Kushina... you were six when you left Whirlpool. So how...?"

Kushina blushed and scratched the back of her head. "Well, like, Lady Mito... Erm, well, she had, like, a lot of things she wanted to pass on to me before... before she died." She chuckled awkwardly. "And, like, teaching me how to deal with my little guest only took like ten minutes, tops..." she said.

Minato sighed. That explained it. He was one of the few people who knew about Kushina being the vessel of the Nine Tails, and therefore also one of the few to know that Lady Mito had been its previous jinchuuriki. It made sense that she would have wanted to pass on as much of her knowledge as possible to the girl who would be her successor, but _this_...?

"Do you mean to say that the honored wife of the First Hokage took it upon herself to teach a _six year old_ about the birds and the bees?"

Kushina shrugged. "Eh, well, Lady Mito _was_, like, really super-ancient by that point – even for an Uzumaki. I honestly wouldn't be too surprised if she had, like, gone a little senile towards the end there..."

Minato blanched. _'That only raises even more concerns...'_


	2. Step Two

**How to Prevent a Coup**

A _Naruto_ Crackfic

by

EvilFuzzy9

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><p><strong>AN: Because I find it hard to believe that Fugaku was **_**always**_** the anal-retentive bastard he tends to get portrayed as, particularly in fics written post-Uchiha Coup Revelation.**

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><p><strong>Step Two<strong>

Fugaku Uchiha, newly-appointed head of the Uchiha clan and Chief of the Konoha Military Police, stared at the piece of paper in his hands. It was not parchment; nor was it standard printing paper. Nay, it was paper like would be used in a greeting card. But this was no _Hallmark_ card.

For one thing, the illustration on the front was in the style of _ukiyo-e_, and in particular it was reminiscent of some of the more... inappropriate... wood block carvings Hashirama Senju had made in his free time during his tenure as First Hokage (it was a little-known fact that while his brother Tobirama had been a peerless womanizer who had fathered bastards all over the globe, Hashirama had been a connoisseur of erotica and had used his _mokuton_ to revolutionize the industry of wood-print pornography). For another thing, the card was addressed to him and his wife.

Fugaku did not sweat-drop – not externally, at any rate. After all, the clan elders were watching him like a pack of vultures, ready to swoop in and relieve him of duty at a moment's notice should he prove himself to be anything less than a perfect Uchiha. And perfect Uchiha did not sweat-drop. That was something his idiot nephew Obito would do. So instead of sweat-dropping, as he oh-so-wanted to do, he grunted. Of course, he would never call it grunting. Because Uchiha did not grunt. They were a proud and venerable clan who could trace their roots all the way back to yadda yadda yadda, blah blah blah, drivel drivel drivel.

Fugaku shook his head, internally dismayed. _'Even in my own mind I'm hearing their thrice-damned, inane lectures. "Fugaku-kun, you are Uchiha. You must behave as such. Uchiha cannot do this or this or this or this or this. You have to be an uptight douchebag with a stick shoved so far up your ass that it goes right up through your brain and you must act like you think you are better than EVERYONE... Nyeh nyeh nyeh..."'_ he thought, mentally mocking the incessant homilies of the Uchiha elders.

Allowing himself to briefly smirk the smallest of smirks, he called for his wife. "Mikoto! There is a _letter_ here from your... ah, _friend_!" He grimaced, as if the words left a bad taste in his mouth.

To be fair, he had nothing personal against Miss Uzumaki (hopefully soon to become Missus Namikaze – or Missus Uzumaki, more likely, since the Uzumaki clan -although virtually nonexistent as a modern sociopolitical entity- were still an immensely ancient and noble shinobi clan widely held to be more-or-less on par with the Uchiha while the Namikaze were, at least in the eyes of the great auld clans, barely one step up from no-name peasants), but the elders considered her to be a bad influence on Mikoto.

Fugaku fought the urge to snort derisively. Those decrepit windbags -may rabid weasels gouge out their eyes and gnaw off their fingers- hated _anyone_ who could be even _remotely_ considered a strong female role model – that was why they had pressured Mikoto into dropping out of the shinobi forces even though she had to have easily been one of the strongest Uchiha in active service[**1**]. They could hem and haw all they wanted about the wife of the clan head needing to stay home to take care of the household, but anyone whose head was not shoved up their own ass (which, sadly, seemed like barely even a third of the clan) could see that this was a load of crap. And the only thing the elders hated more than thinking progressively was having fun. This meant they reserved a double-heaping of scorn for the future wife of the future Hokage. This, in turn, was just another reason for Fugaku to believe that those idiots had lost touch with anything even remotely resembling reality long ago.

He paused for a moment, then he narrowed his eyes. You know what? To **Hell** with those moth-eaten fogies. HE was the clan head. HE was the one in charge. And Mikoto was HIS wife. The clan elders were just a bunch of dried-up old bats who had not had the decency to die already – honestly, it was a common joke among his more irreverent kinsmen (oh, how he envied those lucky motherfuckers) that half of the members of the clan's elder council had held that "honor" since way all the back when Madara was still kicking around, kicking puppies, and acting like an all-around asshole. He was sick and tired of all their bullshit rhetoric about Uchiha superiority and their "oppression" at the hands of the Senju. He would rather _die_ than let those damned, wretched buzzards brainwash him into being a good little puppet ruler.

It was at this point along Fugaku's train of thought that his wife Mikoto entered the room. And her appearance prompted an idea to enter his mind – a stupendously, fantabulously, marvelously, sublimely, _brilliant_ idea.

He grinned wickedly, his sharingan eyes twinkling with promises of mischief and mayhem. Oh, he was going to show _them_, alright – those bastards would soon regret ever trying to manipulate him. Because he was **Fugaku**. _**FUCKING**_.** Uchiha**. He was the prodigiously gifted punk who had mastered his sharingan by age thirteen. He was the ruthless heart-breaker who had seduced more enemy kunoichi than most ninja would ever even meet. He had, at one point, popped the cherries of roughly a third of all the kunoichi in the other four elemental nations. He was Fugaku "Fuck You" Uchiha. He had been one of the most hardcore motherfuckers in the Leaf shinobi forces before retiring to join the Uchiha Military Police. He was the talented fighter and brilliant detective who had managed to bring to justice twice as many thieves, murderers, and rapists during his first month on the job than most officers did over the course of their entire careers. He was a hardcore motherfucking badass who could make even the most violently deranged sociopathic serial killers piss themselves in fear with just a look. He was Fugaku fucking Uchiha, and he did not take orders from _anyone_ less badass than himself[**2**].

And on that note, he set his plan into action.

"Dear," he said, addressing his wife in his most genial tone, "What would you say if I were to tell you that your friend Kushina has invited us to a swinger's party?"

Without hesitation, his beloved wife simply mirrored his smile and replied: "Would Minato be there?"

Fugaku's grin only widened. Now _there_ was the feisty kunoichi he had fallen in love with, not the passive doormat the elders had been trying to make her.

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><p>[<strong>1<strong>]: Mikoto is listed in the databooks as having been a jōnin. For reference, most of the badasses in _Naruto_ are of jōnin rank (or higher), and most (if not all) of the jōnin (or jōnin-level) kunoichi we've seen in the series have been badasses in one way or another: Tsunade, Mei Terumi, Yugito Nii, Kurotsuchi, Konan, Kurenai (and if you wanna bitch and moan and say that Kurenai isn't a badass because she lost her only real battle against someone who was not only on the level of motherfucking Jiraiya but also had an ability that made him naturally immune to her specialty, then FUCK YOU, because the fact that she was willing to even TRY to fight Itachi -even when there was no realistic way for her to best him in combat- means she automatically has _at least_ as much balls as Asuma, Kakashi, and Guy. _Combined_. And the balls make the badass, so to speak. In addition, she also gets major bonus points for Itachi -MOTHERFUCKING ITACHI- _**complimenting **_her genjutsu).

Ahem.

[**2**]: Because Fugaku strikes me as the kind of fellow who was an absolute hellion in his youth, and because Itachi's awesome-sauce is too great to have been inherited from only one of his parents.


	3. Step Three

**How to Prevent a Coup**

A _Naruto_ Crackfic

by

EvilFuzzy9

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><p><strong>AN: Because Mikoto rocks your fucking socks off. And also because, for some reason, it would seem that I can scarcely bear to write a _Naruto_ fic without making some reference to my all-purpose OCs Daimaru and (to a much, _much_ lesser extent in my uploaded works) Tian Li. And also, also because I should put up _something_ for Naruto's (fictional) birthday.  
><strong>

**Additionally, in response to the second reviewer (since they reviewed anonymously, or at least without signing in) who wrote: **

_hi could you contenue metriod legacies please. I really like it and could you please make the chapters longer. l know from your story bord that's it is one of two that the 40 mark. So could you please continue the story._

_ with love_

_ your stray fox§1+VIII_

**I would like to say that, honestly, while I have had a half-finished "next chapter" for _ML_ floating around in my documents folder for ages, I do not have any real plans for that fic. I started it years ago, back when I was (even more) painfully amateur, and any vague plans that I might have had for a plot have long since vanished into the ether. I might work on it from time to time in fits of pique, but it's so low on my list of priorities that it's barely even a blip on the radar. Then there's the fact that it's so non-canon that if I were to try to reconcile it with _Naruto_ continuity on a whole **(and I totally would, because I am a hopeless nerd like that)** the fic would probably implode. **

**Then there's the _other_ fact that I'm really rather more dedicated to "enriching" the HnG**** fandom, with its (thus far as of 10-10-2011, the date of updating this fic) paltry one hundred twenty-seven (127) fics on this site. _Naruto_, in stark contrast, has over a quarter million (250k+) fanfics on FF dot net. So I'm not going to bother working a _Naruto _fic unless I really feel like it. Even this fic is, truthfully, only a way for me to unwind while working on _Om Nom Nom, Hamster-chan!_. **

**On that note, read and/or watch _Hayate the Combat Butler_. It's a nice fun series that deserves a good deal more recognition than it gets.  
><strong>

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><p><strong>Step Three<strong>

Mikoto Uchiha, veteran jōnin Konoha kunoichi and wife of the Uchiha clan head Fugaku, frowned ever-so-slightly, looking down at the card clutched in her hand. She looked up at the decrepit abandoned warehouse which loomed over both her and her husband. Then she looked back down at the card, carefully reading and rereading the address printed on it.

"Ah, dear..." she said, glancing over at her husband, "... Are you certain that this is the correct location...?"

Fugaku wanted to shrug, but that would have been considered _unbecoming_ _conduct_ for someone of his stature. So instead he simply continued to stand erect beside his wife, maintaining picture-perfect posture and keeping his face as stolid as ever. "The address matches," he muttered with a definitely-not-a-shrug-because-Uchiha-do-not-shrug.

Mikoto, being less concerned with the approval of the clan elders, rolled her eyes. "That doesn't mean anything."

"It means the address matches," Fugaku argued stoically.

"Peh! If you would have simply asked for directions this would not be such an ordeal!"

"Uchiha do not ask for directions," Fugaku retorted stubbornly.

Mikoto shook her head, but she said no more.

A few moments passed between them in silence.

"Okay," Mikoto said at last, "They're gone now, sweetie. You can drop the act."

"Oh thank god," Fugaku sighed in relief, his shoulders immediately sagging. "I thought they'd never leave."

"Indeed," Mikoto nodded in assent, "Those bastards are utterly infuriating. Tch!" she snorted derisively, "And do they honestly think they can so easily tail us undetected?"

"I know what you mean. It's like they have no appreciation at all for your skills," Fugaku agreed.

"Or yours," Mikoto added, cooing huskily as she leaned over to nibble on her husband's ear, prompting Fugaku to stutter and blush furiously. Fortunately, he was saved from any further teasing by a timely intervention.

"Well, hello there, Mikoto-chan!" came a cheerful greeting.

Unfortunately, that timely intervention came from one of the more annoying people he knew.

They turned to see two figures -a tall and well-built woman with glossy chocolate-brown hair done up in an _odango_-ponytail combo dressed in a simple dark green dress with the kanji for strong embroidered on either sleeve; and a shorter, skinnier man with a long, thin mustache and dull black hair worn in a topknot who was clad in dark gray trousers and a bright-red-bordering-on-pink shirt with the words 'THINK BIG, LIVE SMALL' written on it- walking towards them.

Mikoto smiled, recognizing them as her former teammates, Daimaru Daishin and Tian Li Daishin-née-Aokawa.

Fugaku frowned, recognizing them as his wife's former teammates, Daimaru Daishin and Tian Li Daishin-née-Aokawa.

"Hello, Daimaru-kun~, Ten-chan~," Mikoto said pleasantly, "What brings you two here?"

"Hello, Daishin-san," Fugaku ground out frigidly, pointedly using the most impersonal appellation possible while still staying ostensibly polite and civil.

Daimaru, pointedly ignoring Fugaku (he had never forgiven the man for marrying Mikoto, even if it had technically been an arranged political union outside of Fugaku's control), gave Mikoto a big, dopey smile and went bright red. He started sputtering nervously, stumbling over his words as he tried to answer the question with his tongue as tied up in knots as it was at certain inappropriate thoughts he was having about his former teammate. "Oh, um... ah... that's... er... uhhh..."

Mikoto giggled. "My apologies, Ten-chan," she commented, addressing the towering giant of a woman, "It would seem that I have carelessly broken your husband."

Tian Li laughed and waved dismissively. "Naah, he's been like that all week, ever since we got that invitation from Minato and Kushina."

Mikoto smiled. "I take it, then, that he still harbors some affection for me?"

Back when they had first started out as a genin squad, the three of them had had quite the infamous love triangle going, what with Daimaru -then a shy, awkwardly bookish lad with no real talent- being utterly smitten with her while the talented nine year old early graduate and close combat prodigy Tian Li had been ineffably amorous towards the older-by-four-years Daimaru. And she herself had had a crush on Minato Namikaze back then, which had prompted Daimaru to start up a very much one-sided rivalry with the blonde somewhat similar to what she had seen between young Guy and Kakashi.

And even after **finally** coming to reciprocate Tian Li's feelings, it would seem that Daimaru still carried a torch for his "fair Mikoto-chan".

Tian Li chortled. "Yeah! No matter how much I 'reeducate' him, I still can't get him to completely give up on that little boyhood crush." she shook her head in good humor, "Ah... men are just _so hopeless_ without us women to straighten them out, aren't they?"

Mikoto nodded amicably. "Yes, they really are."

Fugaku, with a sigh, turned towards Daimaru. "Ah, they never give us any credit, do they?

"Not in this life, no," Daimaru stated glumly.

As one, the two men sighed, temporarily putting aside their differences for the time being to bond after a fashion over the common woes and nuisances of all married men.

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><p><strong>AN: Well, there's the third chapter. I have _no_ idea where this fic is going to end up, aside from general potential sexiness. There WILL, however, be plenty of crack and LOLs. **

**_LOLS FOR THE LOL GOD! CRACK FOR THE CRACK THRONE!_**

**... ahem. With all that said, updates for my fics will probably be a bit sparse for a while as I acclimate to my new (and first!) job. Yes, I _finally_ have a job. Sure, it's just washing dishes part-time at a local Chinese restaurant, but that's better than nothing, y'know?**

**TTFN and R&R!  
><strong>


	4. Step Four

**How to Prevent a Coup**

A _Naruto_ Crackfic

by

EvilFuzzy9

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><p><strong>AN: It was a bitch and a half getting this uploaded. I dunno why, but every time I tried to upload this chapter to doc manager it failed. But, weirdly, it was only for this document and not any other. Eventually, I decided to just copy paste this into doc manager and reformat it by hand.**

**Not a fun experience.  
><strong>

**Content Warnings: This chapter contains a bit of citrus-y content, though nothing really very explicit.  
><strong>

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><p><strong>Step Four<strong>

As Mikoto chatted with her fellow kunoichi and Fugaku did his best to ignore his wife's former male teammate, inside the empty warehouse Minato and Kushina were finishing up with the final preparations.

Minato's fingers nimbly flicked through a seemingly unending string of complex handseals as sealing formulae popped up here and there, spitting out portable dividers, overstuffed pillows, and cushy rolled up futons. Meanwhile, dozens of identical red-headed kunoichi hurried about, setting up the dividers to create individual rooms and setting out snacks and refreshments (courtesy of an erotic bakery suggested to her by Missus Akimichi) on a series of folding tables that were set up end-to-end in a straight line.

Kushina's effortless usage of the multi shadow clone jutsu (a technique which she had originally learned while in the academy, since Lady Mito had left notes explaining to her instructors that due to "certain factors" it would be nearly impossible for her to learn the regular clone jutsu) allowed her to single-handledly tackle tasks that would ordinarily take entire teams of laborers. And the regular "rent" she got from her furry little tenant let her use and abuse the normally extremely draining technique with almost complete impunity. So it was only natural that she would take advantage of the technique for such mundane purposes as this.

Eventually, once Minato had finished bringing in materials and supplies, he got to work planting sound-proofing and privacy seals on the walls and ceiling while Kushina and her shadow clones put the finishing touches on the decorations.

Flowing ink like living vines of black crawled across cement and plaster, extending radially outwards like the spokes of a wheel wherever the Yellow Flash planted the palms of his hands. Arcane sealing scrit was shaped into intricate, wriggling lines and spirals upon the walls. When the arrays finished forming, the seals fixed themselves in place. Once animate glyphs and kana froze in place.

The circuit was complete.

Minato, seeing this, nodded at one of his wife's shadow clones that was finishing hanging a curtain over the entrance to one of modular rooms. It nodded back at him and dispelled, passing the information along to the others. Satisfied that Kushina was prepared and bracing herself, he put his hands together in a basic seal.

All at once, like an explosion, there was a surge of chakra within the warehouse, palpable even to those possessed of no sensory ninjutsu. The seal-script on the walls and ceiling lit up as energy rushed through them, activating the seals.

_'Uzumaki Hybrid Sealing Jutsu: Hermit's Deep Secluded Sanctuary.'_

As the _fūinjutsu_ went to work, forming arcane wards and barriers around the building, Minato felt like his veins were on fire. Making seals of this size and level was tiring work, even for him.

As he dropped himself into a nearby folding chair, he felt himself shiver from the exertion. Those were some of the most advanced seals he had ever made, and the drain they put on his chakra was not exactly negligible. Honestly, he probably should have gotten this out of the way sooner so he could be properly rested for the main event of the coming party, since most of the women present would be kunoichi of some description or other, with much higher stamina than any civilian, but he had been busy and distracted.

As he panted and shook, Minato felt a twinge of anxiety. He had underestimated the amount of chakra he would need to use, and thus he had not expected to be this drained, so close to the start of the party.

He went to rummage through his pockets for a soldier pill. Future Fourth Hokage or not, he was convinced that if his performance fell flat, he would lose a good deal of respect. Whether this was an irrational belief or not was immaterial. It was a matter of his pride as a man. If he ended up tiring out before his partner was satisfied...

He swore weakly, interrupting his own thoughts. His search had come up empty. He had kunai, shuriken, a few blank sealing tags, and a even a bit of blood replenishing medicine, but no soldier pills.

"Hey, sweetie," he called over to his wife, who was sneaking a few sips of sake to celebrate a job well done, "Would you mind coming over here for a sex–er, I mean, a second? [**1**] I'm feeling a mite woozy, and I could really use a quick pick me up."

Kushina, brushing a loose strand of vibrant crimson hair out of her eyes, rolled her eyes. "Seriously?" She shook her head in mock disgust before walking over to her boyfriend. "Geeze, you really need to work to on your stamina, lover-boy," she teased.

Minato snorted. "Hey, not all of us are bottomless wellsprings of chakra. And besides, I can keep up with _you_ well enough, can't I?" he said.

Kushina giggled. "_Barely,_" she joked.

Minato huffed petulantly at this, childishly refusing to look at his wife. "That was uncalled for," he grumbled, pretending to be indignant at her playful jibe. This was a common game of back and forth for them, as an adventurous young couple. Role playing was one of the many things they had explored together, and both of them enjoyed acting out these little dialogues.

"Oh grow up," Kushina said, rolling her eyes, though there was an amused grin on her face as she said this. "Look," she said, perfectly affecting a tone of annoyance. "Do you want me to do this for you, or not?" she asked impatiently, sitting herself down on the blond's lap and grinning predatorily as she felt him stiffen. "Here," she said seductively, undoing the buttons of her top part way to reveal a bountiful valley of creamy white flesh, "I'll even let you bite _there_," she continued, drawing her darling Minato's attention as she gesture suggestively towards her exposed cleavage.

The blond pretended to think about for all of half a second before he was all over her, nipping and suckling at every inch of her exposed skin. With each playful nibble, a little of Kushina's abundant chakra flowed into his system, renewing his stamina bit by bit. It was a curious technique that basically let Kushina lend him a portion of her chakra by having him bite down and suck on her skin. And according to what Kushina had admitted one time when they had gone out drinking, it was a bastardization of a rather unique medical ninjutsu she had found in one of the scrolls left to her by Lady Mito while looking for a way to fix the, ah, stamina disparity problem between herself and her lover. [**2**]

Minato continued suckling on his beautiful lover's breasts, by now having received more than enough chakra to replace what he had expended. Kushina moaned under his passionate ministrations. Minato slipped his hands up to finish unbuttoning Kushina's top as he kissed her deeply on the mouth, his tongue slipping in between her lips. Kushina, returning the kiss with gusto, slipped her hands down to undo Minato's zipper.

The two of them were so focused on each other as they slipped their clothes off that neither one noticed when the front door to the warehouse exploded. A group of several people stepped through the clearing smoke. At the front were Mikoto and Tian Li, who turned and smiled at their husbands.

"See?" Mikoto said, "I told you all we had to do was knock."

Shikaku Nara, who was standing near the back of the group next to his wife Yoshino as well as Inoichi and _his_ wife, sighed. Pinching the bridge of his nose, he grumbled, "What a drag. I'm surrounded by terrifying, freakishly strong women..."

He then trailed off as he and the others noticed the party's hosts, who they appeared to have caught _in flagrante delicto_. There was a moment of silence as everyone present stared at the half-naked couple, a silence that was broken only by Minato and Kushina's passionate moans.

Then the moment passed, and Fugaku walked up to the front of the group and noisily cleared his throat to get the pair's attention.

"Well... Are we interrupting anything?"

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><p>[<strong>1<strong>]: Continuing a proud tradition of taking typos and running with them, I had originally meant for that to be "a sec", but _c_ and_ x_ are right next to each other on the QWERTY keyboard, sooooo... yeah.

[**2**]: Kushina has (had) the Nine-Tailed Fox sealed inside her. As a result, she was no doubt possessed of superhuman stamina, which, if most of the _Naruto_ lemons I've read over the years are accurate, would translate to the ability to keep going in bed all night and day. Minato, while an incredibly gifted shinobi with no doubt considerable chakra stores of his own, is still a just an ordinary human (by ninja standards). And as any guy can tell you, orgasms tend to extremely draining for men, to the point where it is relatively common, depending on who you ask, for even a fit male to zonk out quickly after... _finishing_, for lack of a better term. So obviously _someone_ had to address this issue.

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><p><strong>AN: We know next to nothing about Kushina's abilities, aside from the chakra chains dealie and the fact that according to Jiraiya and Tsunade she was apparently a close range fighter with the same style of ninjutsu as Naruto. So I figured I might as well give her the ability to use the multi shadow clone jutsu like Naruto (as well as making an oblique reference to one of the most widely used explanations for why Naruto can't use the clone jutsu). And then I also ended up giving her an ability similar to Karin's chakra replenishing and healing technique, since both are Uzumaki (OMG SPOILERS) females, so I figure it wouldn't be too far-fetched for the two of them to be able to use similar techniques, even if it is arguably in conflict with what little description we've been given of her abilities.**

**Also, the first version of this chapter was something completely different, but I got stuck on it for seemingly forever and I was just unhappy with how it had been turning out. So finally, after... Christ, almost half a year already with no updates, and not wanting to have ANOTHER indefinite unofficial hiatus fic on my profile, I decided, "fuck it, I'll start it over from scratch." And so, here we are.**


	5. Step Five

**How to Prevent a Coup**

A _Naruto_ Crackfic

by

EvilFuzzy9

_"Humor is best weapon against sarcasm, laugh at it."_

- Fortune Cookie

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><p><strong>AN: Well, I haven't actually received any more reviews for this, I don't think, but a few people have put it on their favorites and/or alerts, so I figured I might as well give 'em a little update, after the four chapters I posted in _Remember the Name_.**

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><p><strong>Step Five<strong>

"Well... Are we interrupting anything?" Fugaku inquired with a slightly snide tone of voice.

Minato and Kushina, realizing they had company, both gave a start. They quickly got themselves untangled and stood up.

... Then they realized their collective state of undress, and the two of them blushed beet red in perfect synchronization.

Tsume sniggered. "Looks like the love birds lost track of time," she drawled. Her husband, standing behind her, nodded in agreement.

Inoichi's platinum blonde girlfriend, Hanako, tittered airily. "How sweet~" she cooed playfully. Inoichi gave a halfhearted nod of agreement.

Yoshino sighed dreamily, then she turned to face Shikaku.

"Oh, 'Ku-kun..." she moaned sadly. "Why can't we do anything like that, anymore?" she asked her fiancé.

Shikaku sighed. "It's more trouble than it's worth," the scarred man responded, eliciting a snort from the dark-haired woman.

"Bah. You're impossible, you lazy ass."

Shikaku grinned. "Well, then, we're in agreement."

Over with Minato and Kushina, who had quickly gotten dressed again, several of the guests were greeting their hosts and vice versa.

"Hello, Barahachi-san," the Yellow Flash said with a cordial smile, "How's life with Yuriko treating you?"

The redheaded Haruno male scratched the back of his neck sheepishly. "Ah, so-so," he said. "It's great, now that we've finally gotten married and all, but we're still adjusting to civilian life... It's rough, you know?"

Minato nodded in understanding. It was generally difficult for civilian-born ninja to get very far in the ranks, and they were unfortunately often ill-prepared for war. The fact that Barahachi, the _eighth_ of _**twelve **_children (Minato, having been a single child, could not even begin to fathom what that must have been like), and Yuriko, a clanless pink-haired orphan, had managed to stick it out to very end of the war was a testament to a considerable spirit of fortitude and determination that he hoped their children would one day inherit.

Standing next to her boyfriend, Kushina was chatting animatedly at Shibi Aburame and his wife Shiko. The two were dressed in the fashion of the Aburame clan, which meant to say they showed pretty much no skin, and it was apparent that neither one of them was able to follow the cheerful redhead's rapidfire speech.

Most of the people present were scarcely able to believe that anyone from the infamously secretive and reclusive, though unwaveringly loyal, clan would actual be at such a gathering. But stranger things had happened, apparently.

As a matter of fact, actually, with the heads of the Uchiha, Nara, and Yamanaka clans present, along with prospective heads of the Inuzuka and Aburame, this little get together could very well end up cementing Minato's status as Hokage before he was even chosen. The only people who had been invited that were unable to come were Chōza and the Hyūga twins, as they had ended up receiving a mission to escort a princess of some description or other. Otherwise, there was representation from nearly every notable clan in the village, as well as a couple of very influential civilian-borns.

Time passed as people talked and ate and drank, the main attraction of the party drawing nearer with each passing minute. Finally, nearly an hour after the final guests had arrived, Minato and Kushina called everyone's attention to them.

"Okay!" Kushina said cheerfully, "It's, like, time for what I know you've all been waiting for, ya know! One of you very lucky ladies will be chosen to shack up with my ultra-hot boyfriend—" Here she gestured at Minato, causing the blond to scratch the back of his neck sheepishly. "—for a night of unadulterated carnal passion!"

She was silent before adding, "Oh, and the rest of you will get paired off as well, I guess."

Everyone present did a facefault.


	6. Step Six

**How to Prevent a Coup**

A _Naruto_ Crackfic

by

EvilFuzzy9

_"Help people reach their full potential. Catch them doing something right."_

- Source Unknown

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><p><strong>AN: This fic has actually attracting itself a little bit of attention now, so I figured I'd update it. It's not much, but I hope you find it at least mildly amusing.  
><strong>

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><p><strong>Step Six<strong>

Once everyone present had recovered from their collective facefault, they returned their attention to Kushina and Minato. They stared at the pair of ratty, felt top hat that was now being held, upside down, in the boisterous red-head's hands.

Kushina, seeing that the attention was once more on her, beamed at her audience of friends of comrades.

"Okay!" she boomed enthusiastically, her voice easily reaching to the farthest corners of the warehouse with no need for amplification. "This is how it's gonna work!"

She held the top hat above her head for everyone to see, a wide, toothy grin shining out from her face. Seeing that everyone was looking at the hat, her grin widened.

"My lovely assistant here — " she paused to gesture with one hand in Minato's direction " — has taken the liberty of writing everyone's names down on slips of paper, which were then placed inside this hat."

She lowered the outdated, threadbare head-topper and held it out in front of her chest, which was puffed up and jutted out proudly.

"Now, to decide who will get paired off with whom," she continued enthusiastically, "I will take two names at a time out of the hat, and whoever's names are one them will be paired up with each other for the rest of the night, ya know!"

Kushina then smiled sweetly, eyes crinkled and cheeks dimpled as she surveyed the crowd of guest.

"So!" she said, "Are there any questions?"

She looked out at her audience, looking for any raised hands or confused expressions who all appeared to understand what she was saying – or that if they did, then they weren't about to ask her to elaborate. So she nodded happily.

"Good!" she declared, giving the crowd a wink and a thumbs up, unknowingly striking an excellent imitation of young Might Guy's patented Nice Guy Pose™. Walking over to a forlorn, solitary wooden crate that looked like it had been pried open years ago and then abandoned right there, she gently set the hat down on the crate (or, at least, as gently as an exuberant Uzumaki can manage). "Now, let's begin!" she cheered, energetically pumping a fist up into the air.

Looking too gung-ho to be entirely safe, Kushina eagerly set to picking names from the hat... unfortunately, she soon encountered a _slight_ problem with her system.

"Uhh, let's see..." Kushina muttered half to herself as she blindly plucked a pair of names from the hat, before opening her eyes to read the slips and more loudly saying, "Okay! So the first pair is myself and... Hanako...?"

Kushina blinked.

Then she groaned.

"Oh, _hell._ I feel like a real dumbass now," she grumbled to herself. Looking over to her boyfriend, she met his eyes. Warm, serene blue met wild, stormy gray, and unspoken understanding passed between the two, and Kushina could instantly tell that her boyfriend already knew exactly what she was thinking.

In spite of herself, she managed a small smile. Then she turned to face the crowd, smiling sheepishly and scratching the back of her head.

"Er... hehe..." she chuckled nervously, "Does anyone have a second hat we can use?"


	7. Interlude

**How to Prevent a Coup**

A _Naruto_ Crackfic

by

EvilFuzzy9

_"Now is the time to be candid and aboveboard in all things."_

- Fortune Cookie

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><p><strong>AN: I don't know why, when people write clan elders in_ Naruto_ fics, they almost always have them be unanimously faceless, strawman political assholes. It's much more interesting to write them as, you know **_**real people**_** with real agendas and interests, even if it's only **_**self**_**-interest. Compelling characters make for compelling writing!**

**(Though, whether or not my **_**own**_** characters are compelling is largely up for debate.)**

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><p><strong>Interlude<strong>

On the other side of the village, the Third Hokage sat in a back room connected to his office in the Hokage Tower. It was a secret study reserved exclusively for the use of the leader of the Hidden Leaf, and its walls were covered with shelves of scrolls and hanging weapons and various trophies and trinkets accumulated over sixty-some years by three separate Hokages. It was a hidden sanctuary for the Fire-Shadow, a place for meditation and study free of interruption.

Hiruzen Sarutobi, _Sandaime Hokage_, was quietly reading an old scroll and smoking a well-worn pipe. He was seated rather comfortably on a soft cushion, and his ceremonial hat and outer robes, symbols of his office, were spread out across a small, low table a few feet away. He almost always wore his ceremonial robes these days, partly because they had simply become an indelible part of his image as the Professor, and partly because the robes were simply much easier to put on and get out of than any of his other clothes, and at his age that meant just a lot less hassle over all.

As he was reading the historical record of the diplomatic meetings between the Senju and Uchiha, Sarutobi was startled out of his relaxation by a loud, wooden knocking on his door. Despite the fact that the room was secret and should not have been readily found by anyone, he recovered very quickly from the shock, and within seconds he was once more dressed in his formal robes of office, though he left the hat on the table.

After taking a couple more seconds to further compose himself, throughout which the knocking had persisted, the Third Hokage pulled open the door of his secret study, which moved silently on its hinges.

And then he received an unpleasant rap on the nose from the knobbly end of an old, twisted walking stick.

Despite having a generally high tolerance for pain, the wise old ape summoner found himself swearing like a sailor as he clutched his poor, abused nose. This earned him another knock on the noggin from the walking stick, which he would have recognized anywhere.

"Don't talk like that in front of a lady, boy!" scolded a diminutive, wrinkled old lady. Her eyes were closed as she faced straight ahead.

"_Hello to you, too, you crazy old bat_..." Hiruzen grumbled sorely under his breath as he rubbed his aching schnoz, before more loudly, and more politely, saying, "What brings you to my study, Uchiha-dono?"

The wizened Uchiha elder opened one of her eyes imperiously, an empty, blackened socket staring out from beneath her eyelid.

"I am _blind_, Hiruzen-kun," she said humorlessly, "not deaf."

There was a moment of awkward silence as Sarutobi shifted uncomfortably underneath his ceremonial robes, coughing nervously into his fist. Eventually, after a minute or so, the decrepit old woman closed her eye once more and broke the silence.

"... But still, I did not come here to lecture you on your manners," she said slowly.

"_Of course not, Elder Sakuya_," Hiruzen breathed long-sufferingly, heading back over to his mat and taking a seat, pulling out a pillow and placing it opposite his spot.

"Rather..." the Uchiha elder continued, walking forward and standing atop the pillow so that she was at eye level with the Third Hokage. "...I am here on behalf of my kinsmen... and on behalf of my fellow elders on the Uchiha clan council."

She paused, humming something under her breath as she tilted her head slightly upwards and to the left.

"There have been rumors lately, among our numbers..." she murmured, "of mutinous whispers and mutterings of dissent... The younger generations do not hold the wisdom of their elders and betters in proper regard. They consort with unfavorable types and behave in a most disgraceful manner, not caring what shames they bring upon their clan."

Sightlessly, she looked the Third Hokage in the eye, her empty eye sockets half-lidded.

"And the clan head, young Fugaku-kun," she continued, "has done nothing to stop this... _indeed, he is the worst offender of them all_..." she muttered under her breath, before goodnaturedly adding, "... or at least, that is what fellow elders say."

The Third Hokage nodded slowly, humming thoughtfully as he looked down at ancient, retired kunoichi who made him and his teammates look like fresh spring chickens in comparison.

"And what do _you_ say, Lady Sakuya?" he asked shrewdly.

The Uchiha elder chuckled dryly, sitting down on a pillow opposite the Hokage's cushion and producing a small bottle of sake from the sleeves of her kimono.

"I say they are overreacting," she said wryly as she poured into a saucer. "The clan has grown stagnant – not one Uchiha in the past fifty years has come even close to matching Madara-sama's legacy. If we wish to grow stronger, we cannot simply continue doing things as we always have... Extraordinary shinobi are produced by extraordinary circumstances."

She smiled as she took a sip from her saucer, before she passed it across to Hiruzen.

"I see..." the Third said as he accepted the proffered cup, rotating it in his hand before taking a sip of his own. "... and what do you expect me to do about this?" He eyed her curiously, carefully setting the saucer down next to an old, yellowing scroll.

"Why, _nothing_, of course," said the venerable elder Sakuya Uchiha, aged ninety-three years old, speaking as if this were the most obvious thing in the world.

She grinned mischievously, eyes wide shut.

"Change is already upon us."


End file.
